Death by Teacup
by Nukenin
Summary: Or why Naruto isn't allowed to watch action movies. Crack.
1. Death by Teacup

Death by Teacup

Death by Teacup

Or why Naruto isn't allowed to watch action movies

_I don't own Naruto. If I did, rabid squirrels would join Lee in battle, if only for the sole purpose of shocking Neji._

The brunette snarled as a hand squeezed her bottom, turning on the perpetrator instantly, punching him in the face.

The man growled and rushed in to the fight, several others joining him as the girl ducked under a haymaker and kicked a second man in the face. Unfortunately, for all their unsavory looks, the bounty hunters were relatively skilled and quickly subdued her.

Naruto's eyes widened in delight. This was just like the scene from _Chronicles of Riddick_! The beautiful girl helplessly pinned against the wall, just waiting for the hero to save her! Okay, well, maybe they were in a bar instead of a prison, but it was close enough!

"I don't think she likes being touched," Naruto observed, trying to achieve the same tone of deadly nonchalance that Riddick had used as he looked pointedly at the unconscious bodies on the floor. "I'd take my wounded and go… while you still can." A single finger ran around the edge of his cup in a seemingly idle fashion.

The thugs snickered at the blond, clearly unimpressed with the short teenager. "Really? And what happens when we don't? You're going to kill us with a sake-cup?" The snickering grew louder as the thugs were obviously impressed by their friend's… wit.

Naruto could have cried for joy at how perfectly they were following the script, and sent a mental prayer of thanks to whatever god was listening. "Tea, actually."

"What?" a thug scoffed, snorting in disbelief as his comrades chuckled.

"It's tea," Naruto elaborated. He barely restrained himself from adding that he wasn't allowed to drink yet. That would sound so uncool. "I'm going to kill you with my teacup." He shifted his grip ever so slightly, knowing that the thugs wouldn't care.

The self-appointed leader looked incredulously at his crew, expression matched by the captive girl, who rolled her eyes. In response, the men shrugged, as if to say 'might as well get it over with' and the leader pulled a kunai, lunging for Naruto.

Naruto grinned as he dodged easily, and his hand slammed into the man's chest, teacup easily bursting the man's heart.

The thug had time for one choked inhalation, eyes bugging out, before he toppled to the floorboards, blood starting to pool around him. The remainder drew back slightly, twitching nervously as they attempted to figure out how to respond. Naruto could tell that they were working themselves up to attack and smoothly drew out his house key, eyes narrowing challengingly.

The bar cleared in under ten seconds, leaving only Naruto and the brunette.

"Death by teacup?" the girl asked incredulously.

Naruto waited for the praise that he knew was coming, the acknowledgment of his awesomeness.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOU IDIOT!" Sakura screeched and he winced at the volume of her voice.

"WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO OURSELVES!"

"But, but," Naruto stuttered in disbelief. "But it was cool! Didn't you think it was cool?!"

"NA-RU-TO!" Sakura growled threateningly, arm winding up for a punch.

Naruto whimpered as he hit the wall, bump and bruises already forming. _Why do these things never work for me?_


	2. It's an animal thing

It's an animal thing

_I don't own Naruto. If I did, Sai would become Iruka's pranking apprentice._

Sakura mentally promised herself that when she got out of here that she was going to rip Naruto into tiny, bite-sized shreds and feed him to Pakkun. She didn't care if she had to carve out his flesh with a spoon until the Kyuubi stopped healing him – she would have her revenge. Almost dreamily, she envisioned how pleasant it would be, why she could practically hear his screams of pain already.

She frowned and her daydream vanished. She wasn't just imagining those screams. Naruto was actually screaming. A bright orange blur whizzed by her, followed shortly by a massive brown… creature that stopped as it caught sight of Sakura.

A deep growl echoed from its throat as it stepped forward menacingly.

Sakura's frown deepened into a scowl as anger rippled through her. She didn't take kindly to _anything_ threatening Naruto. He was hers to abuse dammit!

--

Naruto quivered in terror, curled up into a tiny ball where that… thing couldn't reach him.

"You all right, kid?" another prisoner asked, sounding almost sympathetic.

"Fine!" Naruto squeaked unconvincingly.

"Had an encounter with one of the Beasts, huh?" the man chuckled. "You must be pretty fast to outrun one of them." He eyed the orange-clad ninja curiously. "What did a kid like you do to get thrown in here anyway?"

"Ikilledaguywithateacup," Naruto mumbled sheepishly.

The prisoner blinked, certain he hadn't heard correctly. "You what?"

"I killed a guy with a teacup," Naruto repeated, pouting. "I was trying to protect Hana-chan…" He jumped to his feet, cursing briefly as he hit his head on the low ceiling. "Hana-chan!" He'd forgotten all about her! "Sorry!" he yelled, racing off to find Sakura, wherever she was.

--

"Sa-Hana-chan!" Naruto shouted as he spotted the kunoichi. "You're all right!"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Sakura replied sweetly.

Actually, it was a little _too_ sweetly, and Naruto stepped back nervously, recognizing the signs of an impending cataclysm a la Sakura.

"After all, here I am, sitting in a prison with some of the worst criminals in the history of the Shinobi nations, and all because you felt like killing someone with a teacup!" Her green eyes blazed, and Naruto felt compelled to further distance himself from the tempermental girl.

Then a massive glob of drool landed on his head and he looked upwards – right into the eyes of one of the Beasts.

"Leave some for me, Fang," Sakura instructed the Beast in a friendly tone.

Naruto had time to ask one question before vicious jaws enveloped him. "How?"

Sakura smirked and flipped her hair. "You of all people should know, Naruto. It's an animal thing."

--

A/N: How many thought that Naruto was going to win the Beast? :evil grin:


End file.
